Advice for both new and existing relationships on how to resolve trust issues

 

Your trust in a spouse is broken in a way that is similar to breaking a mirror. Even if you can put everything back together, it may be more difficult to see things clearly again the more fractures there are, whether in a new or old relationship. However, unlike a physical mirror, trust can be fully restored with time, and with the help of loved ones, you can learn how to overcome trust issues.

First, what causes problems with trust?

Understanding what can be the cause of trust issues is crucial before starting the healing process. If you've ever had a lover abuse your trust, the solution may be plain to you. According to Maya Maria Brown, relationship expert at relationship app Coupleness, "If your agreements with someone were broken in the past, like with adultery or dishonesty, it's logical that you would expect the next person you're with to behave the same way."

Having said that, it's still possible to have trust issues even if you've never had a love relationship go bad. According to Brown, it's possible for you to acquire trust issues as a result of having an inconsistent or abusive relationship with your parents as a child or observing other family members or close friends having unstable relationships.

The physical reaction of the body to trauma is one of the reasons why such trust issues can persist. According to trauma expert Peter Levine, PhD, "when you go through a terrible relational experience, like having an inconsistent parent or an abusive or unfaithful partner, your body recalls that event," adds Brown. "If that is the case, your body may react to any potential dangers of injury in the future—which could simply be being in a relationship—by bracing itself for pain. In an effort to stop any further harm, you can experience an uneasy feeling in your stomach, the impulse to flee, or a protective outburst. And the harder they may be to overcome, the more natural those self-protective reactions grow.

Is it possible to overcome problems with trust?

A healthy relationship necessitates a level of vulnerability that can only be attained by complete confidence in your spouse. You are effectively telling the other person, "Here is this gushy, sensitive organ of mine—please don't mess with it," as you grasp your heart in your hands and offer it to them. So it can appear as though the universe is gaslighting you when someone betrays you, breaks up with you suddenly out of the blue, or does anything else that makes you feel like you made a serious mistake by opening up your heart and world. It's difficult to get past that sensation, and it's much harder to start totally trusting again.

Rebuilding that trust can be difficult, according to relationship therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT. "When a person you trust betrays you, you might wonder, "Am I being a fool for trusting them again? " or, "Will I be harmed again?" Because doing so after it has been broken feels so painful and vulnerable, people prevent themselves from ever trusting again."

But love and being in love both require trust, therefore it's important to put the time and effort into figuring out how to overcome trust concerns. According to Brown, there is no quick fix for mending and finding the ideal spouse isn't always necessary to resolve trust issues. In the end, you must take responsibility for your own healing and learn to establish trust and embrace vulnerability in your relationships.

Naturally, if your partners consistently betray your confidence, it will be much harder to do that. However, trust problems aren't always insurmountable. According to Brown, "it can be helpful to look for people in your life who model a trusting relationship or to speak with close friends, family members, or ideally, a therapist," who can help you unpack challenging experiences and gain understanding into how your past may be influencing your present.

The actions you may take to resolve trust concerns in a brand-new or long-term relationship and get closer to a solid understanding of intimacy are broken down below by therapists.

How to deal with mistrust in a new relationship 1. Be forthright and honest about your experiences.

Due to a loss of trust, you might not want to share all the specifics of how you've been wronged in the past, but communication is essential for laying a strong foundation in a new relationship. You want your new partner to be aware of what behaviors could be triggering for you in a relationship, which is especially true when dealing trust concerns.

"Your natural tendency may be to keep anything to yourself if you have been severely burned. But talking about your experience will probably help you feel much better." — Relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW

According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, "if you've been badly burnt, your tendency might be to keep it to yourself and not address it with the next person." But talking to them about your experience and your reservations will probably help you feel a lot better. Furthermore, if this is a difficult process, you don't have to disclose every detail at once: "You don't need to put it all out there on the first date, but after things start going, let them know what you've gone through and how you may be feeling challenged," says Hartstein.

Seek advice from loved ones.

Consult with individuals who genuinely care about your well-being and are willing to share their opinions if you observe any signs of dishonesty in a new companion. In particular, Hartstein advises determining whether your loved ones believe the current scenario is actually a problem or whether you might be projecting an outcome from an untrustworthy connection you've either experienced or witnessed in the past. The question, "Are there genuinely red flags here, or am I overreacting because of a past situation?" can also be asked of yourself objectively.

Attempt to get closure on the past.

If your trust was betrayed in a past relationship and you haven't (literally or figuratively) burnt every image of your ex, you might want to think about this. It might be worthwhile to meet with your dishonest ex-partner to do a post-mortem if the relationship is still friendly enough to do so.

Just remember to go cautiously with this. It might not be a smart idea if their behavior has been really appalling, according to Hartstein. But in some circumstances, hearing their point of view might enable people to put things behind them and mentally move on.

Recognize that time does in fact assist.

It might just take a little while for your sense of trust to return. The time factor, however, usually has more to do with fortifying the new relationship in front of you than it does with letting go of the one you left. According to Hartstein, "you are likely to feel better the more time you spend with your new spouse and the more you build on the solid foundation that you are constructing."

How to resolve problems with trust in a long-term relationship 1. Express your thoughts, worries, and inquiries.

It's crucial to resist punishing or blaming a long-term spouse who betrayed your trust up front. However, it's also not a good idea to just absolve them of responsibility or try to forget the harm they caused you. Instead, you should make it obvious that you've been wounded and explain why—whether it was entirely as a result of their acts or a combination of those actions and prior experiences that altered your perception of trust. In any event, opening a constant line of communication is the first step in learning how to overcome trust challenges in a long-term connection.

Being able to express the emotions and ideas that have arisen for you after learning about your partner's behaviors that violated your trust is a necessary aspect in regaining trust, according to Thompson. "Your spouse needs to understand where you're coming from and how you've been harmed," says the partner.

Recognize that the process of regaining trust has no time limit.

Someone in a long-term relationship may have trust challenges for a variety of reasons. But one of the most frequent is adultery in some kind, whether it takes the form of emotional cheating, sexual cheating, or any other conduct that exceeds the predetermined limits of your partnership.

And it's important to acknowledge that learning how to heal after being cheated on and rebuild trust in that scenario can take as long a period of time as it needs to take.

According to Thompson, "many couples who experience affairs wonder how long it takes to move on and through infidelity." "The fact that there is no deadline must be understood by both spouses. It might go more quickly if everyone works to be open and honest with one another and seeks support via counseling."

Improve your sense of worth.

According to Thompson, "usually the victim of a betrayal feels horrible about themselves and possibly not good enough." It's critical to address these emotions and rebuild yourself. Rebuilding trust goes hand in hand with restoring your sense of worth and confidence. Therefore, be sure to pack your schedule with activities and surround yourself with positive people.

Obtain aid

If you still have doubts about your relationship, make sure you have love and support from a person you can rely on. This is someone you can honestly communicate your feelings and concerns with and who won't criticize you if you decide to keep the problematic connection.

At this stage, a lot of people may seek out therapy, and that can be quite beneficial, adds Thompson. Healing from a broken trust can be very painful and bring up many problems from the past and the present. It is crucial that you obtain assistance to help you get through them.

According to Brown, you might seek for a therapist who employs the "relational therapy" method in particular. She explains that a relational therapist will work with you to develop trust with them. They can identify obstacles and report back to you where your issues frequently arise as you get to know one another and they watch your communication style. The relationship with the therapist provides a model for how you may develop trust with a spouse if you get beyond those obstacles, according to Brown.

What sensible advise can you give to folks whose partners lack trust?

It can be challenging to manage a relationship with a person who lacks trust, but it's crucial to understand that this isn't necessarily a sign of trouble. In fact, according to Brown, working together with your partner to mend old wounds can be important and result in an amazing partnership. That will undoubtedly require a lot of patience on your part as well as a strong showing of trust.

In order to reassure your partner that trust is the foundation or standard for your relationship, you need specifically demonstrate trust for your partner. "Examples of what that can look like are saying things like, 'I trust you to pick out a gift for our friend's birthday,' or 'I trust that you'll be home when you say you will,'" says the author.

It's also crucial not to take it personally when your spouse finds it difficult to open up to you if you want to be with someone who suffers with trust properly. You can remind yourself that your partner's trust issues didn't start with you and are most likely not a direct reaction to anything you're doing instead, says Brown, but rather an emotion or fear that they carry from the past.

According to Brown, you may come up with a plan together for how they can feel more at peace when you're out if they still have trouble trusting you after you've reassured them. Perhaps they're wondering who you were with or what you did when you weren't with them. Providing more regular check-ins or even location tracking via your phone could be one way to do this.

But sometimes, says Brown, "it's simply as easy as allowing them room to articulate their anxieties and, in return, showing them empathy and patience." A person with trust issues might move toward the sense of security that underpins a successful relationship once they are confident that their partner is fully cognizant of that and considering it when they make decisions.